Being pregnant is a really exciting time that should be celebrated and enjoyed.
But just so you know, it is also a great time for getting up to a bit of mischief, being self-indulgent and dodging possible arrest.
Here are ten things you absolutely must know:
1. No one can tell you are pregnant from the neck up
I stopped at a garage for diesel one day and was horrified to notice that the guy sitting in the car next to me was checking me out as I fished around in my bag for my wallet. I was a pregnant woman, for god’s sake! And then I realised that he couldn’t actually see the bump from where he sat. The look on his face when I got out of the car was priceless.
2. Black leggings and jeans are your new best friend
Look, there will be wee. There will be wee when you bend down to pick up your handbag, there will be wee when you welcome the new neighbours next door, there will be wee when you cry at the X Factor auditions. There is no need to react to this. Just wear panty liners and black clothes, say nothing, and sail through the otherwise potential embarrassment.
3. No one will arrest you
On my first pregnancy, I drove a very drunk Alan home from a night out in a car that had no tax or insurance, and had one windscreen wiper hanging off. Just as we neared home, we landed at a garda checkpoint. ‘He’s getting driven home, is he?!’ the garda enquired, indicating Alan. ‘He is, and by a heavily pregnant woman too, Garda’, says I, pointing with emphasis at the belly and rollingmy eyes. ‘Jesus, go on home so’, says he. ‘He’s a lucky man’.
Never even looked at the discs. BOOM.
4. Your middle isn’t breaking off
The pains you experience when your body starts to expand when you are pregnant are so weird that you think you’re having a heart attack/appendix eruption/allergic reaction to the block of cheese that you ate in one sitting. Fear not, your ligaments are just stretching to accommodate your growing bundle so don’t panic.
5. Hormones can be blamed for everything
Crying at the Woodies ads? Hormones. Angry with your bubble bath? Hormones. Insisting you want your mother to be in the delivery room when the baby comes? Hormones. You are now fully entitled to make and break decisions on a minute-by-minute basis and completely get away with all histrionics. I would use this to my full advantage if I were you, and demand a few feet rubs to keep you ‘balanced’.
6. Falling asleep is par for the course
Alan and I could be mid-conversation at, say, 9pm of a Thursday, and I would just say ‘Pause right there’, get up and leave the room and never come back. My bed was always calling, I was always tired and it was just lovely to not have to explain myself the next morning other than to shrug and point at the bump. The bump is very sleepy, capiche?!
7. You’re not as sexy as you think you are (sorry)
When you are full of the goodie hormones that pregnancy brings, you can kind of fall under the illusion that you are a sexy, dreamy, curvacious, rideable women who your partner should be trying to hop on every ten minutes. You will stand nude, pointing at yourself and saying ‘Look at me! Have I ever been more shaggable?!’ Mark my words, when the hormones wear off after the baby comes and you look back at your ‘sexy preggo pics’, you’ll have a really good laugh about it.
8. Piles are a thing
Piles (or haemorrhoids) are swellings that develop inside and around the back passage. They can be sore and sometimes bleed after going to the toilet. They happen during pregnancy because of the pressure that the baby puts on the rectum. The joys. So grab yourself a tube of Preparation H to help relieve the symptoms. And if you have a sleepless night, you can apparently also use the ointment to treat dark circles under your eyes. Just maybe don’t double dip.
9. Piggery is mandatory
I’m not suggesting that you attack the fridge and cupboards in such a manner that you might wander into obese or diabetic territory by month seven, but indulge yourself! If ever there was a time that the pressure is off us women to look a certain way, or to lay off the carbs and chocolate, it is when we are pregnant. Lay ON the carbs and chocolate ladies, and the car biscuits, handbag crackers, work desk chocolate, bathtime jellies, walking-the-dog toffees.. you catch my drift.
10. You need extra time for everything
Everything takes longer when you are pregnant; getting out of bed (because you never want to leave it), having a shower (it’s so tricky to reach your back!), applying body cream (because you have just that bit of extra body to cover), getting dressed (so much fun trying to get socks and shoes on), eating meals (the decision making part, not the actual scoffing it part), getting into the car (helpful machinery is often requested but rarely delivered). So give yourself about a four hour lead-in time before you need to be anywhere!
Have I forgotten anything? Let me know at [email protected]!
