P*ssing off pregnant women can occasionally feel like something of a national pastime in this country. A dangerous national pastime.
Everyone from friends and family to co-workers and complete STRANGERS for some reason feels the need to pass comment on the lumbering pregnant woman as she quietly goes about her business, not particularly bothering anyone while she heroically furthers the species. It's baffling as if they had any sense they'd realise that an over-sized hormonal woman is possibly the last person in the world to aggravate.
Because sometimes thinking and gestating at the same time can be just too demanding, I have compiled a list of suggested responses to tiresome phrases and questions commonly directed at the pregnant woman for easy retaliation.
Stupid Sh*t People Need to Stop Saying to Pregnant Women (With Creative Responses to Politely Tell Them to F*ck Off):
1. "Are you sure it's not twins?"
Suggested Response: "Yes, for the 864th time I'm sure it's not twins, I'm just really goddamn fat and would like to stop being reminded of it by every smart ass who thinks they're the first ones to think of the 'are you sure it's not twins?' comment."
2. "Really taking that 'eating for two' thing to heart there, aren't you?" *accompanied by an annoying smirk*
Suggested response: "I am going to eat until I'm sick if that's what this baby wants, and when I do feel like getting sick I'm going to creep into your home in the dead of night and spew into your shoes."
3. "Oh my god, you're huge!!!"
Suggested response: "Oh my god, you're brave!!!" Proceed to sit on them.
4. "You must hate everyone touching your belly all the time." *Half the time they're saying this with their hands on the belly*
Suggested response: "I just hate you actually."
5. "Go easy on the carbs..."
Suggested response: "Go easy on the... OH f*ck you."
6. "Were you trying?"
Suggested response: "Yeah we were having so much sex, I got a UTI, it was hot." Really stare at them during this response, making subtle gyrating movements to compound on the awkwardness.
7. "Were you trying long?"
Suggested response: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaages." Hold their gaze. Keep staring and gyrating.
8. "Oh no, another boy... Not to worry."
Suggested response: "WHAT did you just say about my son???" *Sit on them immediately*
9. "Do you know what you're having?"
Suggested response: "A baby... presumably... hopefully?"
10. "Are you still here?"
Suggested response: "Are you still talking?"
Did YOU get annoying comments during your pregnancy? Tell us in the comments...
