Want to avoid the Pregnancy Police? 5 places you really should avoid 5 years ago

Want to avoid the Pregnancy Police? 5 places you really should avoid

During pregnancy, you expect to feel many things – what you don’t expect is to feel like a criminal.

One day you go to the loo a free woman but as soon as that pee-stick proves positive – you’re a marked pregnant woman. The next eight months you spend under heavy surveillance. Nothing, I mean nothing! enters or exits your body without the 'pregnancy police' knowing about it. Pregnant women can't be trusted – not when it comes to carrying their own baby. And boy are they everywhere, those damn 'pregnancy police!'

5 'pregnancy police' hangouts to avoid at all costs.

1. Ice-Cream Vans (That Sell Hot-Dogs)

You’ve just fought off a stampede of little sh*ts to get your fix when suddenly you’re rumbled, "Put the hot dog down, I repeat, put the hotdog down!" You turn, and there’s some yoga bunny wielding a bottle of filtered water and she’s pointing it straight at you. "The ice-cream too! Let’s have it, pregnant lady!" You’re read the riot act about ingesting illegal substances while pregnant like slightly undercooked meat and soft serve ice-cream. You get off on a warning and vow to stick to the Greek yogurt if you know what’s good for you.

2. All Pharmacies

Your hair is like something from the National Geographic but you can’t afford the salon – (last time you were here (the pharmacy) you cleaned them out of pee-sticks just to be sure they weren’t all false positives.) CCTV catches you loitering about the hair colouring section. "Pregnant lady in aisle three, approach with caution, do you read?" You’re charged on suspicion and intent to injure a minor by the administration of a chemical poison (ammonia) via your hair follicles.

3. Airports

You can’t feel your cankles anymore, so you shuffle off to the nearest loo to rip your support tights off. "Excuse me pregnant lady can I see your fly permit?" You don’t have one and bam – three more charges right there – attempting to board a plane without medical authorisation, attempting to smuggle a little human time bomb on board and a lesser charge of failing to declare excess baggage. You didn’t declare your cankles.

4. Restaurants

'Pregnancy police' everywhere – you don’t take chances, so you grab your sherry trifle and quickly seek refuge (under the table). When it comes to Foetal Alcohol Syndrome, there’s zero tolerance, and you're already over-the-limit as you confess, "Yes officer, I did have the Guinness Pie…"

5. Anywhere that has Animals (including your home)

Think your home isn’t bugged? "Pregnancy police! Open up!" Next thing you know there’s a SWAT team in your living room dressed in white hazmat gear ordering you to step away from the cat. Done for possession of an animal on the dangerous-in-pregnancy list. The thought of serving even one more day of pregnancy time is too much, but you don't have an exit strategy. Think woman. "Any last meal requests, ma'am?" "Yes, I'd like two large vindaloos (extra hot) one crate of freshly picked Raspberry Tea, a gallon and a half of pure virgin castor oil."

Grace C Vaughan lives in Meath with her online husband, offline children and smelly menagerie of hairy things.