Very occasionally mid-rant at The Man, I hear myself shouting unreasonably about the pettiest things imaginable, and I reflect briefly on the statistic that most people who are murdered, are murdered by their spouses.
If The Man were to murder me, I imagine that instead of my whole life flashing before my eyes instead I would have a montage of all the INSANELY minor and random things I’ve given out to him for over the years. And I would have to admit that whatever method he was employing to do away with me was totally justified in light of all the crap I’ve given him over the years about totally irrelevant and insignificant infractions.
I’d love to know do other people behave this unreasonably or is it all down to sleep-deprivation? Sometimes the logic and reasoning behind my outbursts can be pretty questionable, like blaming The Man for the fact that it’s raining, because he TOLD me that it wasn’t going to rain until THURSDAY, and obviously he controls the weather – and yes I am that irrational and belligerent. He should divorce me, or murder me (that would be cheaper).
10 really random things that are somehow STILL totally The Man’s fault:
1. When he doesn’t take the chicken out of the freezer for dinner after I never asked him to
Can HE not take the initiative ever???
2. When he is taking out the bins, and it is SO LOUD
I know, I know. I have one that takes out the bins… I should probably shut up now.
3. When he just took off his trousers, left them on the floor and The Child slipped on them
Sure I leave my clothes on the floor all the time, but when The Man does it, I somehow decide that it is to deliberately piss me off and injure our son. The rage.
4. The fact that Weetabix is basically dehydrated cement that will eventually adhere to EVERYTHING when milk is introduced
I’m aware that the cement-like properties of Weetabix is probably the fault of the manufacturer and not The Man, but HE is the one that never cleans as he goes AND feeds The Child Weetabix for virtually every meal. *Draw breath*
5. My jeans have shrunk…
Because HE never washes them at the right temperature, despite the fact that I never wash them AT ALL. My god if he ever spoke to me the way I spoke to him all hell would break loose.
6. When the baby doesn’t sleep
I can always somehow bring this one back to The Man. Either he didn’t put the baby down for a nap in time earlier in the day or he rolled over too loudly in bed a minute ago. It’s wildly unfair, I know.
7. When I fall over one of his shoes
“WHY DOES HE INSIST ON HAVING SUCH BIG SHOES?” I scream internally. “Most likely because he has big feet,” the reasonable side of my brain whispers nervously.
8. When will he stop chopping onions on the breadboard? WHEEEEENNNN?
Many wives would appreciate the fact that he is chopping onions anywhere, sadly for The Man he is married to me – a total wagon.
9. When he doesn’t answer his phone most likely because he is working hard to provide for his family or collecting his son from the minder or cooking dinner
Sure I rarely answer my phone, however when he DARES to miss one call from me I immediately turn into an unhinged maniac who will then proceed to aggressively call him repeatedly, leaving incoherent rambling messages on his voicemail about “what is even THE POINT of having a phone, if you NEVER F*CKING ANSWER IT?????”
10. When he is breathing too loudly
The crazy woman who drives my brain seems to think he does this on purpose to annoy me. If he is doing this, it’s actually a really clever ploy and I recognise that I totally deserve it.