Ten things you're never told about the second year of parenthood 3 months ago

Ten things you're never told about the second year of parenthood

Sound familiar?

Maybe no one tells you these things because they don't want you to worry. They want you to stick to the comforting notion that things get easier as time goes on.

Then the Child starts walking and BAM. Shit hits the fan faster than you can say "Holy Jesus where is he? He was right there a second ago." AHHHHHHH PAAAAANIC...

10 Mad Things No One Tells You About the SECOND Year of Parenthood:

1. It's easier...

In some ways, this is true, by the time the second year is underway one can begin to hope for marginally less chaotic nighttimes, and life has settled into some kind of routine. Possibly, fingers-crossed, like you never know, get back to me next week, and I'll tell you how this "routine" I'm claiming to have implemented is actually going...

2. It's harder...

The child was just that bit more manageable when he was virtually immobile; only I was too stupid to realise it at the time. I used to take the Child into the bathroom while I showered and he'd lie on his baby blanket, blinking and doing exactly NOTHING and still I would feverishly pop my head out of the shower every 7 seconds to check that he was still there, blinking away. Now showering with the Child is way more interactive and hectic. He stands there laughing at my body (harsh) or pointing at my boobs and saying "Moo" (way harsh). Or he makes off with the toilet brush (disgusting) or has a complete tantrum because the water is "too wet" (O-KAAAAY).

3. People expect you to return to normal

This has to be the hardest thing of all about the second year of parenthood: friends, family, and bosses all expect you to return to being reasonably high functioning. You haven't "just had a baby" anymore, they're bored of you and your sleep deprivation and lactating and really just want to you to stop shiteing on about infant poo consistency.

4. Wind (or lack thereof)

One day you wake up and realise that you haven't thought about wind once in months. Amazing.

5. Worrying

The wind worry has passed but it has been replaced by a whole host of new worries: biting, stranger touching, and so on.

6. The Toddler Diet

You've heard impossibly perfect looking mums say they don't have to work out or watch what they eat, that running around after their little darlings keeps them in shape. This miracle toddler diet has completely passed me by. I do watch what I eat; I watch myself eating all the food on my plate and the leftovers on the toddler's plate and any scraps that have fallen to the floor. And I work out: I work out how many hours till wine time. I work out how many calories worth of chicken dippers I just stole from my son. I work out, in hours and minutes, just how little sleep I got last night.

7. Womb Watch starts in earnest

"When are you giving him a little brother or sister?"

"Oh, my Gawd... f*ck OFF!!!!!" is the only response to this question. You've barely got one baby out when extended family and total strangers want to know when you're sticking another one up there. Maddening.

8. They understand more (upside)

You start to be able to reason with them. A bit. They're toddlers like so don't count on this too much but still it's a start.

9. They understand more (downside)

You have to get really good at spelling words. It's H-A-A-A-A-R-D.

10. I didn't believe it possible but they actually get cuter...

I always thought that babyhood was the pinnacle of cuteness, but incredibly they actually get even cuter as time goes on. More infuriating too for sure, but I think the cuteness balances out the tantrums. Just about.