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23rd Aug 2015

12 reasons I can’t even come to the phone now I’m a mum

Since becoming a mum I have become terrible at using the phone. The worst.

Calls are left to ring out; voicemails are ignored; text messages go unanswered for days, weeks even. And don’t even talk to me about phone updates and storage space. In fact, don’t talk to me at all – not on the phone anyway.

It’s a far cry from my pre-baby self when I was responsive, chatty and on top of new technology. Back then I had all the time in the world to talk for over an hour about nothing in particular. In fact, back then I used to enjoy whiling away the time on the dog and bone. Not anymore.

Now I’m the person who’s “just calling quickly” in hushed tones, with a small window of precious time to spare. Now I’m the person who is too distracted (by my toddler) to give a call or text my full attention. That’s if I call or text at all.

The shattered screen doesn’t help matters (I dropped the phone at 38 weeks pregnant – 20 months ago – and never got round to fixing it), but that’s not the reason I’ve turned into the person I used to get frustrated with on the phone.

It’s not always that I don’t want to talk, either – all my family and most my friends live in England, so telephone communication is key for me – it’s just I’m terrible at using the phone. Besides, I can’t come to the phone because:

1. I spent most the day pretending to call Peppa Pig on a toy phone. When Peppa didn’t answer I was forced to speak to Winnie The Pooh on a remote control. I don’t feel like using an actual phone right now.

2. The toddler is taking a nap, which means I have anywhere between 25 minutes and two-and-a-half hours to do the dishes, put a wash on, put away the clean laundry, make lunch, do the dishes again, tidy the entire house from top to bottom, get showered. Or, let’s face it, do something pointless like lie on the living room floor and stare at the ceiling for the entire time.

3. It’s the evening. The toddler is in bed and I should be doing all of the things I didn’t do during the daytime nap. However, all I want to do is sit on the sofa and watch mindless TV until way past my bedtime, because that is all I can cope with right now.

4. It’s the evening. I’ve had a long day at work and the toddler is in bed. All I’m going to do is sit on the sofa and watch mindless TV until way past my bedtime, because that is all I can cope with right now.

5. The Internet and all its distractions happened.

6. I needed to eat in peace.

7. My phone is out of battery and I’m too tired to walk upstairs to get the charger.

8. I don’t even know where my phone is.

9. The husband is trying to talk to me about the fact he just put all our finances into a spreadsheet. This is about as close to a ‘date night’ as we get these days, so I should probably give him my full attention.

10. I have no ‘news’ and I’m too tired to hear yours. Sorry.

11. I have a toddler who is demanding my full attention at all times.

12. I cant even.