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06th Sep 2016

5 Ways To Tell If Someone Is A New Parent Or Has Just Been Mauled By Wild Dogs

Sophie White

It’s not always easy to tell if somebody is a new parent or if they have just been chased and attacked by a pack of wild dogs.

Either way, it’s important to approach the individual with sensitivity and extreme caution. They may startle at sudden movements or loud noises this is because they are either very VERY tired or have just been dragged to the ground and mauled by wild animals.

There are a few subtle differences between the victim of a wild dog attack and the new parent. Examine the individual closely.

1. Are they weeping?

Actually, wait this doesn’t really narrow it down, does it? New parents cry all the time, as do the recently mauled.

2. Is the person sweating profusely as though just having run for their lives?

This could be indicative of a recent animal attack. Though come to think of it, as a new mum I was constantly clammy. The lactating, the sweating out of fluids retained during pregnancy, plus the all-consuming terror that I was about to break the baby at all times. Also pacing the floors with a screaming infant night and day is actually surprisingly aerobic.

3. Do they look disheveled?

Though again, on second thoughts this won’t answer anything will it? New parents sport the unpolished look of someone who has recently been targeted by snarling animals all the time.

4. Is there a wild, terrified look in their eyes?

Okay discerning the difference between a new parent and the victim of a wild dog attack is actually way, way harder than I thought. I mean the only thing more fear-inducing than a pack of wild dogs is the sight of newborn stirring on the creepy Paranormal Activity video monitor thingy.

Okay hang on I’ve got it…

5. Check the person’s body carefully, is there spew on their person somewhere?

Pay particular attention to the shoulders and back areas as these are popular spew targets for newborns. Unlike a human baby, 9 times out of 10 a wild dog is not going to regurgitate dairy onto its victims.

So there you have it, how to decide if someone is a new parent or has just been attacked by rabid dogs – the spew test.