Parenthood

"Want to go out this weekend?"

"I dunno... will The Boss let us?"

This is how many a conversation round our way starts. We didn't set out to be ruled by a two-foot tyrannical toddler but sometimes we're just too tired to fight him: We are weak, and he is all powerful. All this pathetic capitulating to his every whim has fostered in me an unfortunate inclination to simply hide from him rather than introducing any bit of authority or discipline. And has lead to my eating chocolate in the toilet on occasion because I know that if he catches me with it I'll never hear the end of it. In many ways, it takes me back to being a teenager and hiding my various delinquent behaviours from my own mother...

10 things I did in secret this weekend because The Child is boss (ALOT of these are eating):

07.15 – Went to the toilet really, really quietly

If he heard that I was up, I could forget about the extra 10 minutes in bed that I was hoping for. I've memorised the creaky floorboards outside his room and have perfected directing my piss onto the side of the toilet bowl which is quieter then allowing the stream thunder down into the water. Yes, I have really thought about these things.

08.30 – I closed the kitchen door to eat some Stollen in secret

Damn, I'm so glad it's Stollen season in Aldi again.

08.32 – Run the tap to mask the sounds of Stollen wrapping rustling

Advertisement

The Child can hear a bag of crisps being opened at 30 paces; he just has a really good ear.

09.45 – Retire to the loo to check Facebook

I have a bit of guilt about being on the phone in front of him especially ever since he picked up a remote control and said "Hello" or that other time when he tried to scroll on a coaster.

10:00 – The Man and I attempt to share a croissant

We're rumbled this time and end up handing over more than half to The Child, most of which ends up on the floor because croissants are assh*les that way.

11:00 – Sneak out back door to retrieve washing when it's starts to rain. The Child will DEMAND to go out there if he feels even the whiff of a breeze

Explaining that it's raining is no use, he's kind of an all-weather baby, and no amount of wind and rain will keep him inside once that back door is open.

14.45 – Back to the kitchen to eat some chocolate

Advertisement

This time the Child sensed I was at something in there and stood on the other side of the door shouting "Muma!" 45,000 times until I came out.

14.46 – He KNOWS about the chocolate

Damn, he's got a good nose and has picked up the scent of chocolate on my breath. Proceeds to shout "CHOCCIE!" 45,000 times until I hand over some raisins which don't fool him for a SECOND.

19:10 – Open fridge and pretend to look inside while actually drinking from a glass of wine concealed on the middle shelf

Yes, I realise that The Child should not be ruling my existence in this manner but honestly sometimes it's just easier then the argument that we would be having if he spotted the wine and wanted some. He would ONLY want exactly what I was having – that is the Law of Toddlers.

20:05 – Put The Child to bed proceed to drink all the wine and eat all the chocolate

YESSSSSSSSSS!

Read more about:

parenting, toddler, toddler behaviour