Most of us have memories of being forced to kiss an Uncle or Aunty as a child.
Your Mum or Dad would push you towards the relative, “Go and give Uncle Patrick a kiss” said in that firm voice you knew you couldn’t disobey.
Regrettably, no time of year involved more kissing of elderly relatives than Christmas time. Virtual strangers would appear in front of you and you might feel uncomfortable as your parent urged you to hug or kiss Aunty Kathleen.
By being forced to be physically intimate with other people we were being taught that the desires of the adults in our life were greater than our own wishes, or our own personal space. We were being taught to be compliant and to not offend anyone by saying no.
We now know that the earlier consent and body autonomy are taught the better, as it keeps children safer from predatory adults and older children. The National Society for the Protection of Cruelty to Children states that it is important that this work begins at home with the child’s family.
“We know if a child feels confident to say no to their own family, they are more likely to say no to others.”
The N.S.P.C.C advises parents and carers to make sure that their children know that their body belongs to them, and that no one has the right to make them do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable.
“Make sure your child understands that they have the right to say “No” to unwanted touch – even to a family member or someone they know or love. No one should ever make them do things that make them feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. This shows that they’re in control of their body and their feelings should be respected.”
When children have the tools and confidence to assert their own boundaries they will know when someone has not respected their body autonomy and will be more likely to disclose that to a trusted adult.
Mirenda Rosenberg from Donegal is an educator who teaches consent classes to school students. Mirenda says that encouraging children to be more affectionate with relatives can be detrimental.
“Teaching kids to greet relatives affectionately, with hugs and kisses, appears innocent of the surface. In fact, we expect kids to enjoy receiving such affection, who doesn’t like kisses and hugs? However, what else are we teaching kids when we repeatedly urge them to or demand that they, engage physically with a person?”
“The answer is, we are teaching our kids that there are times when others’ are entitled to their affection and bodies. We are teaching children to sacrifice their consent on the altar of social nicety. Unfortunately, repeatedly making that sacrifice erodes a child’s understanding of when it’s appropriate to grant access to their body.”
Mirenda encourages parents to teach their children how to say no to any unwanted interaction, even from family members.
“A child becomes vulnerable to the urging of any adult who claims touching is affection.
Thankfully, there’s an simple way to protect our kids and teach them the complex concept of consent. Teaching kids to greet family politely with warm words and to politely decline unwanted kisses and hugs helps keep our children safe.”
The N.S.P.C.C has a simple guidebook for parents on how to have these discussions with children, you’ll find a downloadable version of it here.
