Getting them to sleep or nap is one of the most testing aspects of parenthood. On reflection, considering we love them so damn much we do seem to spend an awful lot of time trying to put them to bed.Â
Nap time brings out a lot of irrational anger in me towards other people. In my rage haze, innocent bystanders just going about their day can seem to be goading me somehow and I often find myself screaming inside my head at their admittedly totally innocuous behaviour.
10 dick thoughts I have towards other people when trying to get the baby to sleep:
1. “How do they live with that f*cking dog????”
My neighbours have a dog. This dog barks. I am not really an animal person at the best of times but even I can see that the reserves of unadulterated vitriol I have towards this dog is not exactly warranted. It’s bordering on maniacal.
2. “Stop laughing so loudly.”
People who have made the grave mistake of just walking near me as I bring The Child on yet another two-hour walk in a desperate bid to put him to sleep.
3. “Did he SERIOUSLY just slam that door?”
Apparently The Man can’t even enter a room without making me want to murder him.
4. “Stop coughing FFS.”
My next door neighbours. I can literally hear them opening a drawer in their dining room. In my utterly selfish sleep-deprived mania, it apparently doesn’t occur to me that their coughing is probably NOTHING compared with the crying and tantrums that they can hear through my walls.
5. “Stop breathing so loudly.”
To anyone who dares to breath too loudly during the tricky task of lulling the child to sleep. I may need a nap myself.
6. “Why must they talk incessantly can they not see that I’m frantically rocking a pram here???”
The people beside us in the restaurant who are presumably just trying to have a nice time themselves and are in no way out to piss me off.
7. “Are they having enough f*cking fun in there?”
It’s the next door neighbours again. If this isn’t the very definition of mean-spirited, I don’t know what is. They have a sprawling family of happy kids and grandkids who clearly love spending time together, while I seethe on the other side of the wall.
8. “Why is he screaming at the TV right now? The people on the TV can’t hear you.”
The Man shouts advice and instructions at rugby players on the telly. It’s beyond pointless.
9. “Perfect. Just F*UCKING perfect. Bedtime is exactly the best time to start hammering a set of coat hooks onto the wall. Bravo on another STELLAR parenting move, Assh*le.”
The Man should probably sleep with one eye open tonight. With all this pent up resentment, I may attack him in a bout of homicidal sleepwalking.
10. “Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. Please sleep, please sleep, please sleep.”
The Child is resisting all my efforts while I lie defeated on his bed. Another 10 “please sleeps” and I’ll be giving up on nap time…
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