Goodbye dignity, hello picking someone else’s nose in public.
10 reasons why dignity is a distant memory once you become a parent:
1. The Pregnancy
I was at a friend’s house before a doctor’s appointment and I did my pee sample there as I needed to go at that moment. So far so good.
I. Left. The. Pee. Sample. There.
2. The Birth
Now I’m not saying that birth in general is not dignified, it’s amazing, a friggin’ miracle.
I’m just saying that MY particular birth was not very dignified. Someone was dispatched to shave my pubic hair for god’s sake.
3. The Lactating
Obviously lactating in and of itself is not undignified, it’s actually pretty impressive. But having a friendly midwife arrive suddenly during In-Laws Visiting hour and squeeze your nipples to check if the colostrum has come in yet is pretty embarrassing. Luckily the colostrum was raring to go, a no show would’ve been REALLY embarrassing.
4. Boobs on Tour
When I look back on my breastfeeding career, while it was a special time, my overriding memory is like a video montage of unsuspecting people being repeatedly exposed to my nipples. My personal fave was when out shopping I ran into a friend of mine who had not met the baby yet. He was in the sling having been nursing away as I perused the sale rail. My friend pulled back the sling to meet the baby and got a fright when along with the baby, he was introduced to one of my nipples that he also hadn’t met before, lolling out of the now sleeping baby’s mouth. That was super, SUPER DIGNIFIED.
5. Pissing yourself
This happens. It happened to me at a birthday party. I had to sneak off to the host’s room to hairdryer myself. Oh, the joys…
6. There’s poo on me
This also happens. And one day it’ll happen, and you won’t even flinch. That, my friends, is the day you know you’ve hit the (parenting) big time. Respect.
7. “Play with Muma’s belly rolls” is a game my son likes to play…
… in company.
8. The Child can talk now
And he mostly uses his new-found skills for evil. He constantly calls random men in the supermarket “Dada” and shouts “Willy” while pointing at his crotch, their crotch, my crotch, any passing crotch really. Not a good look.
9. I pick someone else’s nose for them
I don’t know who this is more undignified for, him or me. Perhaps no one wins in this scenario.
10. Parenthood has been known to dramatically lower inhibitions
This is why I have spent many months perfecting my dolphin impression in the parks, supermarkets and cafés of Irishtown, Ringsend and Sandymount. I no longer even notice the strange looks. Writhing while yelping like a dolphin (the impression still needs some work) may be undignified but The Child absolutely loves it and I’d willingly ride a unicycle naked through the streets while juggling raw chickens and doing the rap from Gangsta’s Paradise if it meant hearing The Child’s adorable peels of laughter.
