Gasp! I would NEVER change my precious baby on the floor!
Except you totally would, especially after a major blowout when you are out and about. And I'm not talking virgin mojitos.
I made my partner do all the changes when my baby was first born. After all, if I was putting the liquid in, surely they could deal with it on the way out. Fair is fair, right?
As a result, I was not the best when it came to dealing with all-things-nappy. Inevitably the explosion up the back would usually happen on my watch, and it was usually at the most awkward of moments, like when we went to visit my child-hating boss (old job) or in the middle of the queue at the bank.
But three children later, I feel like I would definitely be in with a shot at the bronze for the nappy Olympics - or possibly even a silver. I have done it in the dark, on my lap, on the plane and even under a table.
Here are my top tips for on-the-go changing of that little smell bag (the nappy, not the baby)
1. Stock up in advance
Once you become a mother, you will grow an internal loop in your head that shouts 'I'm a crap mother, I don't know what I'm doing, People will see how bad I am at this' over and over and over. Sometimes it gets much quieter like when your baby smiles happily at you or when people tell you how cute they are. But mostly, it is relentless. My internal screamer was usually at it's most harsh when I have forgotten the spare nappy, or wipes, (or both) Wearing a facecloth tucked inside your 9-year-old sister's knickers is not the greatest of looks for anyone.
2. Know what to expect
Babies have a secret talent for pretending to do a poo and then doing it explosively at you, as you are changing their nappy. Dito for boys and pee. Everyone I know with a little boy has had a pee in the eye moment. Be prepared and know your audience.
3. Have your tools
The bigger your baby, the more wiggly they will become. Not ideal if you are trying to do a quickie on the airplane and unfortunately, I'm not talking about joining the mile high club. Make sure you have some colourful toys, soothers, flashy jewellery to wave around. The puke bags on a plane make amazing distractions when you are in very dire straits. You will look all sorts of crazy but having a naked pooey baby running down the aisles during take-off is not the best of looks either.
4. Ignore the stares
Often when there are no baby changing facilities around, you will have to resort to changing your baby in more creative places, like in the pram, across your lap or in the back seat of your car. Do not pay attention to the disapproving looks that will be thrown your way. Your baby needs changing so as long as it hygienic for everyone and safe for your baby, ignore those haters.
5. Make sure it stays on
My little one has a habit of whipping off her nappy without anyone noticing. Like a reverse strip tease. She eases it off with finesse never taking her eyes off me and bam...silent pees all over the seat. We have resorted to putting her babygro on backwards and even used extra tape to hold it on.
6. Make it quick
So your baby has peed, and you are far from the luxury of your well stocked changing table. It is a little like Crystal Maze; you have a single wipe, a makeshift rollout mat, and its raining. Your other children will cheer you on from the door as you frantically scramble to whip, wipe and wrap. You will surprise yourself at how fast you become. Desperate times call for desperate measures!
7. Size Matters
I had a bad experience with a too-big nappy recently. Let's just say it is a good idea to get them nice and snug where possible!
8. Bag 'em up
Wherever you end up refreshing your little one's nappy, try not to leave the house without disposable nappy bags. They are so handy for wipes as well as the nappy, for soiled babygro's and milk rags. (ooh, the glamour) Failing that, throw in a few grocery bags in with the nappies - they take up almost no room and provide a very useful smell and mess control as well as a portable changing mat when caught out.
Despite all your carefully laid plans with your little cutie, the reality is that you will get caught on the hop at some stage so just go with the flow (sorry) and try not to get too stressed when you find yourself doing nappy gymnastics along with your stinky bummed mini.
