10 legitimately humiliating things that happened when I was pregnant 5 years ago

10 legitimately humiliating things that happened when I was pregnant

Along with all the glowing (sweating) and joy (hormones) of the human gestation, there is a fair bit of humiliation and embarrassment.

Your body is doing a range of new things that you have no control over. It is also the subject of frequent examination. Midwives performing scans might, for example, comment on how full you bladder looks – this is unnerving. Strangers will tell you you're carrying very low – why are they even looking down there and giving your pelvis this much thought? And, as the end goal is to safely carry and deliver your child, your dignity is not a priority. For anyone.

10 legitimately humiliating things that happened when I was pregnant

1. The first thing every medical professional asks once you have established that you're pregnant is "When was your last period." For me, the answer was "November...2006". I was the ridiculous woman who said to the doctor, "I didn't even know you could get pregnant if you didn't have a period!" The doctor responded with an eye-roll. He was lucky that hormones weren't strong in me yet.

2. I cried in work. Frequently.

3. I thought my waters broke in Tesco.

4. It turns out I pissed myself in Tesco.

5. I had to undergo THE COUGH TEST, an examination so humiliating for everyone involved that I didn't know who I felt more pity for me or the student doctor who had to perform it.

6. I had a full-scale rant at yoga about the fact that they charged €3 extra for the prenatal yoga class. I think I shouted to anyone who'd listen "They're charging for foetuses now. It's a foetus-fee." The hormones were strong in me at this point. I never went back there, not because of the rant but because...

7. I farted in prenatal yoga. It was the worst.

8. I dropped my urine sample on the bus. The motion of the bus caused it to weave and roll away from me. I scuttled after it, desperately trying to retrieve it. A fellow passenger picked it up for me. It was still warm. And damp. "From when I washed the container," I tried to explain. In moments such as these, further explanation really only serves to compound on the awkward. People were watching the encounter with great interest. I got off at the next stop.

9. During the c-section, proceedings had to be halted while a nurse was dispatched to procure a razor. To shave me. The Man "joke-thanked" the doctor. I was heavily medicated but through the morphine-haze could still sense that this was deeply embarrassing, not to mention inappropriate.

10. A woman asked me when the baby was due. The baby was five weeks old at this point.